Expanded Minute for Affirm, Nov 7, 2021: Tolerance
by Linda Vogels and Sarah Colwell
Linda: Hi, Sarah! How’s it going?
Sarah: Linda, I’m so upset today!
Linda: Why? What’s wrong?
Sarah: I have a neighbour who is a conspiracy theory follower. Honestly, it drives me mad!
Linda: I totally get that! But at the same time, I know we’re supposed to be tolerant of people – even if they believe things we don’t.
Sarah: I know, I know! But where do we draw the line?
Linda: It’s frustrating, for sure!! The anti-vaxxers are an area of anxiety and annoyance for me AND I get pretty upset by some people’s attitudes towards the homeless.
Sarah: Exactly! And there are people saying mean and hurtful things about indigenous people, too. They don’t want to hear any more about this TRC nonsense.
Linda: There are lots of problems with how people act: racist, hurtful, selfish, and stupid. It’s all around us; but we can’t just stay angry at them all of the time.
Sarah: Why the heck not???? I feel justified in being angry and so should you!
Linda: That’s a natural reaction; but you know very well that it builds and builds. That means more open conflict and eventually we can end up with real fights – even war!!
Sarah: Well, I sure don’t want that!
Linda: I’ve been thinking a lot about tolerance recently. Let me tell you about it.
Sarah: OK – maybe it’ll help. Hmmph!
Linda: For one thing, as I search for a clear understanding of tolerance, I am learning some things about myself. For instance: instead of practicing “tolerance” – I’m often too quick to judge and dismiss those whose opinions differ from mine. I’m not comfortable with this version of myself.
Sarah: It sounds complicated.
Linda: It really is. We say that we are trying to be tolerant … but what does that actually mean?
Sarah: Sounds like hard work, to me!
Linda: Well, maybe! But I think the end result will be much better than feeling angry and anxious all the time. I mean, we can’t control what others think or say … but we can control what we understand and how we respond. Right?
Sarah: I suppose so.
Linda: So, in trying to get a handle on this thing called “tolerance”, I thought about how I might explain it to my great-grandchildren who are 7 and 10. I found this video and I thought it was significant. Watch it with me and tell me what you think.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLIW8JWk1RI
Sarah: I know that was produced for children … but it speaks to me as well.
Linda: They used many words that I have been thinking about…like
acceptance respect understanding equality and tolerance
Sarah: And they asked their parents not to expose them to bigotry; not to fill their minds with hatred; and not to teach them to judge others on the basis of race, religion, skin colour, and orientation. They’re only kids but they have tapped into something important.
Linda: Trust kids to speak the truth, eh? Their words – acceptance, respect, understanding, equality, lack of judgement imply that it’s as simple as employing good manners and unselfish behaviour. Could it really be that simple?
Sarah: The work of psychologists Johnathan Haidt and Martin Hoffman points toward most people choosing tolerance based on moral values and empathy.
Linda: So, moral values would be like fairness and justice? And empathy would mean putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes and treating them with respect?
Sarah: Exactly! I think we are getting somewhere in our quest to understand what it means and what it takes to be tolerant.
Michael Ignatieff wrote a book recently about a project he’d done. He went to several countries where rights and diversity were immediate issues for people. He found that principles of human rights were pretty irrelevant to everyday life. What they used, to live in harmony in different difficult situations, were what he termed “the ordinary virtues” of tolerance, forgiveness, trust, and resilience.
Linda: I like that! It’s really down-to-earth.
Sarah: Have you ever thought that tolerance can help make for peaceful relations between people without requiring that one go as far as acceptance, understanding, or even love?
Linda: I actually believe that’s true! But remember, we at Central are Affirming … we’re aiming for a lot more than that.
Sarah: Yes, we do hope for a higher standard. But it’s very hard to reach, isn’t it?
Linda: Oh, yeah!
Sarah: So what are we going to do when encountering people who aren’t even at the stage of tolerance. There sure seems to be a lot of them.
Linda: Hmmm….yes. Well, we need to remember not to interfere with their autonomy; that is, their right to their opinion and actions. But they have to do the same.
Sarah: Sounds like we’re looking at a lot of discussion.
Linda: We are!! We have to remember to be humble for we are not always right.
Sarah: Hah! Speak for yourself! Just kidding.
Linda: I know. But we can learn a lot by listening carefully to what someone has to say. And asking thoughtful questions can help in understanding how the other person came to think that way. It’s always possible that there’s some truth there.
Sarah: Hmmmm. So I can’t really just ignore the people whose opinions are annoying? I guess if there’s a serious issue, we need to be ready to present what we believe to be true and fair and kind.
Linda: You’re right, indifference isn’t a solution. The problem will just simmer!
Sarah: And I’ve found that sometimes when I discuss with someone who disagrees, my thoughts and commitment become clearer.
Linda: That’s also true … but remember that we could learn something, too. Maybe there’s a truer truth out there. Yikes, this is getting twisty.
Sarah: Surely we don’t just tolerate people who are intolerant, though, do we?
Linda: Surely not!! And in thinking about it … perhaps we don’t always have to be tolerant. After all, who tolerates murder, rape, theft, impaired driving, cheating?
Sarah: What a paradox! Hey wait – I’ve heard something about this: The Paradox of Tolerance.
Linda: Yes, I’ve heard of that, too. Refresh my memory.
Sarah: I think it’s that we don’t want to suppress contrary opinions, generally. But if things get dangerous then it must be done. For instance, if Nazi-like movements become too prominent, then some suppression is needed to maintain peace and harmony.
Linda: Goodness! Well, I hope it doesn’t come to that again. Today is a time when we’re remembering how dangerous tolerance became not so long ago.
Sarah: Amen! Let’s opt for tolerance. Well, I think we’ve had a very good chat … I’m not feeling as upset as I was when we began. I needed to be reminded of what those children said in the video. We have a whole new set of words that I have to keep in mind about how to be tolerant:
acceptance respect understanding good manners
Linda: …and fairness, justice, and empathy.
Sarah: Plus it’s a relief to know that I don’t have to tolerate every behaviour such as doing or saying things designed to hurt or mislead others.
Linda: I agree! Sarah, we’ve made some progress here today and I will continue to think and learn about tolerance and the best ways to apply it in my life.
Sarah: I feel this is so appropriate to experience growth on a day when we need to remember just what can happen when tolerance is tested and the intolerant are not challenged.
Linda: Thank you, Central United, for sharing our chat this morning.
We will end our chat time together by watching a video from a country that had to learn the meaning of tolerance the hard way.