BULLYING
Bullying is a form of abuse. It can cause serious harm that can result in long term mental health issues, stress and thoughts of suicide. Bullies learn to use power and aggression to control and victimize another person.
It is a devastating experience that can affect the abused and their family as a secondary casualty.
Children bullies do not grow out of bullying, they just get better at it as adults. Bullying can occur in the home, at school, over technological devices, at the work place, or at a volunteer place. Peers can escalate or stop the abuse. Bullying is a human rights issue- one of safety and inclusion.
What can we do to stop it? We must listen, believe, reassure and give support to the abused. All bullying must be documented, reported and stopped. There must be consequences to the offender such as loss of privileges and there can be legal implications. There must be protection and safeguards for the vulnerable. We must work harder to promote healthy relationships.
Did you know there are churches that can become toxic places to work and worship because of a bully?
It can happen in a committee, congregation, staff or governing bodies. Someone may be sabotaging others ideas. A person might not be allowed to join because they may not be “suitable”. You are made to feel guilty if you cannot do a tasked job. People threaten to leave the church (with their money) if they don’t get their way. Consistent subtle sarcastic or demeaning verbal attacks can be very hurtful. There may also be pressure to do a particular favor because of a connection to a person that they need in the church. A person getting the minister to be on their side of an issue, rather than speak for the whole community. There may always be a specific high powered individual that must be pacified before making any decision.
Most church people that are abused will leave the church. Toxic congregations are clergy killers.
Bullying of staff can disrupt productivity, decrease the morale, and cause possible depression. There should be feedback for improvement, instead of berating someone’s competence. It can paralyse those in authority. Conflict is never easy to deal with. Sometimes confronting the bully puts a lot of stress on a church that it can be easier to permit some of the “bad” behaviors. Bullies will push far to retain their power and privilege.
Things that we can do: 1) Recognize that it is bullying.
2) Speak and type with respect.
3) When encountering bullying-report it to someone who can help.
4) Report the facts- not the emotion.
5) Document.
6) Stay calm and confident-control the way you react.
7) Educate the church.
8) Have a policy in place to report any incidents. (Policy 3.4 UCC)
9) Have an anti-bullying policy.
10) Disciplinary procedures in place. (UCC Conflict Resolution)
At Central we must continue to strive to be a high performance team. We must have a common purpose, while using compromise and collaboration. We must have clear roles. We must have continued acceptable and accountable leadership and solid relationships. Our processes must be effective and there must be excellent communication.
Above all, we must help to end bullying.
9 TRAITS OF CHURCH BULLIES
1) They do not recognize themselves as bullies, but rather as a hero to save the church.
2) They have personal and self-serving agendas. Makes it easier to get what they want.
3) They seek to form power alliances with weaker members of the church that will succumb to their forceful personalities.
4) They tend to have intense and emotional personalities.
5) They are great on passing information and use it for their own agenda. They can remain anonymous with their feedback and criticism.
6) Their greatest opportunities are in low expectation churches. Most people find it hard to confront them.
7) They will continue to bully because no one will stand up to them. We have been taught that it is sinful to be “un-christian”.
8) They create chaos and wreak havoc with their manipulative behaviour. They will display the victim card if they are challenged.
9) They often will move on to other churches when their damage is done.(Can become bored or may be forced out-which is rare as churches are “forgiving”)
WARNING SIGNS OF CHURCH BULLIES:
1) The first to tell you how much they love you. (As long as you keep doing what they want)
2) Strong personalities-can be loud and dominate.
3) Highly opinionated-they don’t like opposing views.
4) Terrible listeners.
5) Build unhealthy alliances. Watch out for who the bully befriends. Support in “gossip” clubs.
6) They use negative words and are not open or transparent. They make people anxious.
7) Most of the nefarious deeds are done in secret.
8) May have been in several churches, as they tend to move around.
References: 2007-“The Current” broadcast on CBC radio; topic “Bullying in the Church”
: Dr G.Lloyd Rediger- Clergy Killers and the Toxic Church”
: Kids Wish Network
: KidPower
: Bullied and Abused Lives In Ministry (BALM)